The following are Kulerski and Cornelison’s blog posts from their Chicago Tribune - Chicago Now – “The Way We War” blog.
Do you know of anyone that has gone to trial in their divorce and has nice things to say about their experience? Most people who fight it out in court wish they hadn’t.
Many depict the divorce legal system as a process that:
- is impersonal
- does not listen to what is really important
- allows for too many delays
- does not try to understand and validate their needs
- is disinterested in their spouse’s misconduct
- shows no sympathy for the injustices their partner inflicted on them
- allows their spouse to tell lie after lie without being punished
- does not punish their soon-to-be ex for ruining the marriage
- does not give the innocent spouse appropriate credit for their good works
- is a bottomless money pit where the lawyers get richer and the clients get poorer.
Our choices are limited to one: we must figure out how to keep our divorces from becoming nasty.
Typically, over 90% of divorces reach a settlement before a trial begins. The problem is that most do not settle until after the parties have spent excessive amounts of money, time, and energy. So the goal should be to settle the divorce quickly and out of court.
An early and sensible settlement becomes possible when you and your spouse agree to accept a compromise settlement. While you may be willing to do so, the trick is in persuading your soon-to-be ex to meet you half way. The Way We War can shed some light on accomplishing this. Please stay tuned.
In a successful divorce settlement, each partner will give up something they want in order to make the settlement attractive to the other side. To do this, it is critical that you:
The divorce court door is the best settlement tool we have.
It is important that you speak in a calm and soothing tone of voice.
Avoid angry threats. Don’t say, “I’ll quit my job, and then what’ll you have?” or “I’m going for full custody” or “that’s it, I’m through talking to you. I’m hiring a Doberman for a lawyer and you’re going to regret ever being born.”
Your spouse is going to have a differing view anyway, so don’t fight it.This does not mean that you have to agree with your partner’s position; it merely requires you to accept their right to have such a position. You must also let them know that you respect their right to see things as they do.
“Fairness” is a standard that exists only in the mind of the speaker. Your partner will typically deem something else as “fair”, and will resent your attempt to tell them how or what to think. Depicting your position as “fair” is the same thing as telling them that they aren’t as wise as you are. Using this term cannot accomplish anything good; it only stirs up unwanted trouble at a critical time.
