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Negotiating One-on-One with Your Spouse

September 1, 2011 By

Most friendly divorces are more than luck and usually require some restraint and diplomacy.

Anticipate that the two of you will not see eye-to-eye on many issues and prepare yourself to be patient. Settlements rarely happen on the first try.

When the settlement conversations begin, explain to your spouse that you will make every attempt to hear them out, even if you are in total disagreement with what they are saying.

Acknowledge that you will naturally favor what is best for you and promise that you will try to overcome this bias. Ask your spouse if he or she might be willing to do the same.

Give your partner many opportunities to explain how they see things and never brush off anything they say. What they are trying to get across is important to them, so it is essential that you act as if it is also important to you.

It is particularly important that you do not appear to have generalized their position to be only what you expected it to be.

Try to avoid any discussion of fairness. What you think is “fair” is meaningless to the person you are trying to persuade.

For more information:

  1. Using Persuasion to Disarm Your Spouse
  2. Tips for Negotiating Your Divorce
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  • ConnieSL2001

    Hi Richard,
    I was married for 35 years and I always said that if we were to ever divorce that it should be done the way you described.  It only makes sense to me.  As it turned out after 30 years we ended up separating which technically lasted a week then he was over at my apartment all the time or I was at the house.  I ended up buying my first house in 2005 after we discussed it thoroughly.  He was supposed to help me buy it but backed out at the last minute.  When I bought the house my payment was $753 a month, then the county taxes rose and the area for our high school rose and my payment became $1580 a month.  I ended up declaring bankruptcy.  When I knew that I was going to have to declare bankruptcy I told my husband to go to the union lawyers and file for divorce because I didn’t want any of my creditors coming after him for my debts.  He did this and it was as simple as signing a paper and we were divorced a short time later.  In the papers he had me sign there was a paper that, once signed, meant that I had no further ownership of the house that we had bought together and that we had paid off.  Then 2 years later I lost my job after 23 years and when he found out how much my pension would be per month ($760) he walked out the door and never came back.  Oh well, good riddance.   So now I’m 60 years old, living with my sister and my daughter and grand son live here as well.  I’m living on my pension and what unemployment I can get and apply for every job imaginable but so far without success.  My daughter graduated from Indiana University but has been unable to find work.  When she was 22 she got involved with drugs and was arrested.  She served 2 years in prison and when she got out came to live with me.  She went to college, got her degree, never got into any more trouble, but her record prevents her from getting employment.  We tried to find out about getting her record expunged or sealed or whatever, but none of the lawyers we have talked to know how to go about doing that.  Good ole’ Indiana.  If you know of a way could you drop me a note and tell me please?  My email is: ConnieSL2001@aol:disqus .com.  I have my masters degree in business management, but I have trouble walking now because of an accident in June of 2006 when my lower leg was crushed, but I’m still hoping to find someplace that can use my skills.  Best Regards,  Connie Lusher