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Do Men Get Screwed In Divorce?

February 6, 2012 By

This is an interesting question that has two answers, depending on who you ask. Many of us have heard the expression, “She took me to the cleaners.” This is certainly a popular belief among males, but is it really the norm?

Probably not. We are sure that there are occasions where this is true; however it may not be nearly as accurate as the anecdotal stories would have us believe.

As divorce lawyers practicing in both DuPage and Cook Counties, IL, we see where both sexes have blind-spots and vulnerabilities.

We invite you to ask any male friend or family member if they believe women get a raw deal in divorce.

Or, switch it around, and ask any female if she thinks men get a raw deal in divorce?

The people we have asked not only answer no; they also get a look on their faces suggesting it would be moronic for anyone to answer otherwise. Their automatic no is the result of their perspective.

By definition, perspective is how we see or understand something. It’s our point of view. We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are.

Perspectives are involuntary, subjective, and extremely personal. They are formed over the years by our life experiences, and are almost impossible to change..

Once we have a perspective, everything we observe is seen with this perspective in mind. When we notice things that confirm the righteousness of our view, we accept them as evidence that our perspective is correct. When something does not confirm our view, we minimize, ignore it, or deny its validity.

What is it that causes both males and females to form their initial belief that their gender gets a raw deal in divorce? It is the fact that there are no winners in divorce. When there are no clear winners, both sexes walk away seeing themselves as losers.

There can be no winners because both parties leave the divorce system with less than they had when they entered it (and this is true even before the attorneys get paid). The system cannot give anyone more than they had when the divorce started.

One thing is apparent, with neither sex believing they received a positive result; the only message that can get circulated throughout society is that the gender in question has lost again.

Incidentally, we did a Google search for “Do men get screwed in divorce?” on February 5, 2012 and found 4,230,000 hits. We then did the same search for “Do women get screwed in divorce?” and were surprised to see that this question had 4,500,000 hits.

Can it be concluded from these numbers that getting screwed in the divorce process does not seem to be gender specific?

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What to Tell the Children

December 12, 2011 By

When it comes to understanding the dynamics of a divorce on children a leading expert in the field is Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. Her new book How Do I Tell the Kids has been acclaimed by divorce professionals far and wide. Her website www.HowDoITelltheKids.com is a veritable wealth of information.

Divorce is a concept that makes even adults nervous. It represents the falling curtain on the final performance of part of one’s life. Just because a child is young, does not mean that they do not understand this. They do! Who will I live with? Will I have to move? What about my friends? The list goes on and on.

There are many positive things that parents can do to help their children and it is important to focus on the positive. Pulling a child in one direction or another is a huge mistake. But an equally huge mistake is to assume that they are not aware that the household is in a state of flux.

One piece of advice offered by Rosalind Sedacca concerns the need to focus on change rather than assigning blame and trying to recruit the children to your side of the war once you have broken the news:

Divorce is a scary word. It is wise at this time to talk to your children about change as a natural part of life. “Everything in life keeps changing. You grow bigger, stronger and smarter every year. The seasons change. You change grades and schools as you get older. Change means things will be different in some ways. It doesn’t mean things will be bad. Often change can make things better, and that’s what Mom and Dad want to do.”

Explain that it can take time for us to get used to changes, like starting a new grade with a new teacher. Other times change gives us a chance to do things in a new and better way, like trying a new sport or a hobby you grow to love.

Mention that the changes in our family are not about who’s right or wrong or who’s good or bad. “Mom and Dad both tried their best to resolve our problems. The old way didn’t work for us and now we will be trying a new way for our family to live so there’s more peace, calmness and happiness for us all. Let’s think about how we can see the changes ahead as a new adventure — a brand new chapter in our lives. It may not only be different – it may be better!”

There is great wisdom to be found in her words. Change is not limited to divorce, it is part of life. You may be losing a partner, but your children still have a Mommy and Daddy. Do not let your children become ‘Collateral Damage’ in your problem.

You may write to Rosalind at: talktoroz@bellsouth.net

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Making Joint Custody Work

November 9, 2011 By

Establishing a stable environment for children who are already suffering from the painful loss of a strained parental relationship should be one of the key goals parents seek once they realize a divorce is imminent in DuPage County.

The rewards of joint custody go hand in hand with the benefits of friendly divorce tactics that allow families to get on with their lives as quickly and smoothly as possible.

“In joint custody, separated and divorced parents make the major decisions concerning their children’s upbringing in the same cooperative way that happily married parents do,” says Charlie Asher, a former trial lawyer, who along with his wife Barb, a former social worker and counselor, have created the website www.uptoparents.org, a family charity aimed at helping parents protect their children.

“And, because separated parents with joint custody are raising children between two homes, they actually commit themselves to even better communication and cooperation than is necessary between married couples living under the same roof,” adds Asher.

Asher also explains that the most common issues calling for joint resolution include ones of education, religious upbringing, medical and counseling care and schedules. But it can also involve any other matter either parents deems important. Matters such as discipline, curfews, allowance, extracurricular activities, dress, etc.

“Just like in a happy marriage, if one of the parents thinks a child matter is serious enough for the parents to speak and act together, then the parents speak and act together,” adds Asher. “Neither parent acts alone on these matters.”

Some of the features are similar to the tactics required when using cooperative or collaborative law for working through a civilized divorce in DuPage County. Both want what is best for the kids, and with a friendly divorce, couples joint forces in their efforts to:

  • Not hurt the other spouse,
  • Avoid a court battle and legendary pandemonium,
  • Settle quickly, and
  • Save their financial interests.

Uncontested divorce papers in DuPage County are a start to creating smooth transitions that result in rewarding relationships for both children and parents.

Being open to compromise and the feelings of each other can allow divorcing couples to avoid emotional devastation and family problems that can last for decades. It may take even longer to overcome the aftermath of financial disaster.

Filed Under: Interesting Things about Illinois Divorce Law

12 Tips to Help Children of Divorce

November 4, 2011 By

It is important to do whatever it takes to shelter children from the conflict of divorce.  Put aside resentments to make room for cooperation and focus on a brighter future, according to Charlie and Barb Asher, creators of the website www.uptoparents.org. Charlie, a former trial lawyer and his wife, Barb a former social worker and counselor, have turned the insights of their past careers into a family charity aimed at helping parents protect their children.

“Judges’ decisions don’t solve a family’s problems; in fact, resorting to court almost always leaves parents, children and families more fractured.” This statement is one of the nine truths contradicting the myths of divorce found on the website which is dedicated to reminding parents how focusing on their children’s needs’ can help everyone in the family.

“If you are in conflict your children are in danger,” the Ashers warn. “And only you, their parents can protect them from that danger.”

Here are just twelve of the many insightful comments that the Ashers have put on the web:

  • Children of divorce experience any attack between their parents as an attack on them.
  • Always remember this is your child’s one and only childhood.
  • The only job of children is to be children. And they cannot be children unless their parents act like adults.
  • Few things are as important to the children of divorce as is their parent’s interaction.
  • Recognize that children have no defense against their parents’ anger toward each other.
  • If parents are in conflict, their children are in danger, and only the parents can protect them from that danger.
  • Parents in conflict have 10,000 minutes each week to sort out their differences when the children are not present. There is no excuse for arguing in front of them during the three or four minutes each week when everyone is together.
  • Think of the times when the children are in the presence of you and the other parent as the children’s time. These little scraps of time can say so much to the children about how safe their world is.
  • Challenge yourself to think of ways you can make visitation pick-ups and drop-offs more tranquil.
  • On visitation pick-ups and drop-offs, make it a point to say a few pleasant words and give a smile to the children and to the other parent.
  • Have the parent who is getting the parenting time pick-up the children, rather than having the parent who is turning over the parenting time drop-off the children.
  • Few things are as hurtful to a child as expecting a parent to be there for visitation—and then being disappointed.

For more about what Charlie and Barb Asher are doing to help children during parental conflict, see their three websites: www.UpToParents.org, www.WhileWeHeal.org, and www.ProudToParent.org (for never-married parents).

Filed Under: Interesting Things about Illinois Divorce Law

“I want my Divorce Lawyer to be a Pit Bull”

October 27, 2011 By
dreamstime_13836734-differentroads

The following are Kulerski and Cornelison’s blog posts from their Chicago Tribune - Chicago Now – “The Way We War” blog.

“I want my divorce lawyer to be part pit bull; part Doberman, part shark, and the rest Cobra…someone who will make my spouse suffer.”

Does this sound familiar? Of course it does. We have all heard of angry or hurt soon-to-be ex spouses making statements like this. The problem is that this is the problem. Our predisposition to fight is one of the biggest reasons that divorce has become so lengthy and costly.

Divorce wars do not pay. We do. Getting that ‘pound of flesh’ is not free; it is a luxury, like buying a new BMW when you do not want one.

We live in an argument culture that promotes distrust at every level of divorce. Society conditions us to enter divorce with a skeptical and defensive mindset – one that encourages war instead of sensible resolution. At the mere mention of the D word, we get tense and distrusting and typically act in ways that are counterproductive and not in our own best interests. We often unknowingly, and unnecessarily, help to set the stage for our own demise.It is obvious that the public is displeased with the divorce legal system. Most people feel it takes too long, costs too much, makes the process unnecessarily complicated and frustrating, and no longer meets the needs of the public. Many go so far as to depict the legal system as a vampire that sucks the spirit out of everyone who enters it.

While the system admittedly is far from perfect, we have a bigger problem. The real culprit is more fundamental…it is something that society does not prepare us for.

Society does not show us how to stay out of the legal system. It tells us how to behave during marriage, but it does not tell us how to behave during divorce. We take driving, karate, piano, ballet, and golf lessons, but there is no such thing as divorce lessons.

We do not receive any guidance on what we should say and do (and should not say and do) to persuade our partner to consider a compromise settlement before our dispute reaches the legal system. We are not offered any insight into preventing our problem from becoming a disaster. A century of divorce wars suggests that we need some help in this department.

Marriage is difficult by nature, but divorce is often difficult by choice. “The Way We War” reveals some simple things that we can do to prevent our divorce experience from becoming any harder than it has to be.

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Do We Have to be Separated Six Months?

October 17, 2011 By
Burr Ridge & Glen Ellyn, Illinois Divorce - Do We Have to be Separated Six Months

In our Oak Brook and DuPage County divorce law firm, perhaps the most commonly asked question that prospective clients ask us is, “Do we have to be separated six months before we can file for divorce?”

The answer is NO.

If you did not know the answer to this question, it is not your fault. It is the fault of the Illinois legislature. Our lawmakers confused everyone when it passed a hybrid no-fault law that only divorce lawyers can understand.

To explain it in the easiest way we know how, we have to start by letting you know that there are eleven (11) grounds for divorce in Illinois. One of these grounds is Irreconcilable Differences, which is Illinois’ version of No-Fault.

In most other states, people merely need to go to court and tell the judge that they want a divorce and that no one is at fault. The same is true in Illinois, but in Illinois, you also have to prove that you have been separated for two years, or for six months if both parties agree to use no-fault as their ground.

Let’s say that one party wants the divorce and one doesn’t. If the moving party does not have one of the other ten grounds for divorce, then the only way he or she can get the divorce is to wait until they are separated for two years. Then, the other spouse cannot stop the divorce from happening.

However, if at any time after six months of separation the reluctant spouse consents to the divorce, the parties do not have to wait two years and can divorce at that point in time.You do not actually have to reside in different residences or have different addresses during the separation period. The court can consider you as separated even if you have continued to live under the same roof. Generally, and depending upon the individual judge, some degree of evidence regarding the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage must be introduced.

Learn more about Things to Consider at the Start of Your Divorce.

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Trial Separations are not “Trials” – Part Two

October 10, 2011 By
Cook, DuPage and Kane County Divorce Law Trial Separations are not Trials - Part Two

There are some benefits to beginning the divorce process under the guise of a trial separation.

It makes it easier for the deliveror to announce his or her intention to end the marriage.

It minimizes the emotional devastation to the “unsuspecting” spouse and eases them into the divorce process.

It makes it easier for both partners to tell friends and family about the lack of harmony in their marriage. A “trial” separation is much easier to announce and believe, and is much less disgraceful.

The downside to taking the easy way out and referring to the first phase of your divorce as a trial separation, is that it lulls the unsuspecting spouse into a state of false hope and inaction and often causes the divorce to take longer than it should.

The deliveree spouse cannot reasonably be expected to discuss such final items as property division and support until he or she has has ample opportunity to come to grips with the fact that a divorce is imminent. The longer it takes for reality to set in, is the longer the divorce will take.

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Trial Separations are not “Trials” Part One

October 6, 2011 By
Oak Brook and Chicago, Illinois Divorce Law Trial Separations are not Trials Part One

As practicing divorce attorneys in Oak Brook and Chicago, we have occasion to speak with many new clients who are contemplating, or are already involved in, a trial separation.

It is our experience that “trial separations” are not what we think they are. As a rule, they are not testing periods in which the party seeking the separation tries to sort out his or her thinking. They are not bona fide attempts to save the marriage; rather, and more often than not, they are the first step of the divorce process.

It takes a considerable amount of courage to “drop the bomb” on one’s spouse and announce that you want a divorce. To the deliverer of this dreaded message, the actual making of the announcement often seems more painful than continuing to live in an unhappy marriage. Consequently, we are inclined to avoid having this conversation and some of us are successful in avoiding it for decades.

Those that do get the words out generally take the line of least resistance and make it sound like they are not sure of their intentions. They ask for a trial separation when, in their minds, it is actually the start of a permanent separation.

See Part TWO, available September 21, 2011.

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The Door to Divorce Court

June 17, 2011 By
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The following are Kulerski and Cornelison’s blog posts from their Chicago Tribune - Chicago Now – “The Way We War” blog.

The divorce court door is the best settlement tool we have.

Similar to logs traveling downriver, divorce cases drift aimlessly along for a year or two until the logjam bumps into the narrows of the courthouse door. The divorce you have long awaited suddenly becomes terrifying. The many months of posturing is now replaced by a mad scramble to settle before the trial starts.

Stepping through those courtroom doors signifies helplessness, your bargaining power is zero, you are about to let a stranger make decisions that are life changing.

Historically, we do not get serious about trying to reach an out of court settlement until the divorce is reaching its final stages. Until recently, and to our collective loss, our focus is not on trying to achieve a settlement during the beginning of the process.Our divorce legal system is adversarial, and my thesaurus associates the word “adversarial” with opposing, intimidating, hostile, antagonistic, menacing, frightening, nail-biting, and bloodcurdling.The emotional upheaval of divorce is bad enough, and the adversarial aspect makes it worse. It causes the parties to compete, and competitors do not compromise. They posture and fight.

People in competition are out to prove they are right and the other party is wrong. Meeting their adversary halfway is out of the question. This mindset is the villain; it produces a downward retaliatory cycle that depletes good will and pocketbooks.

Typically, well over 90% of all divorce cases settle before reaching trial, with many settling on the eve of trial. By this time, the parties have likely spent more of their spirit, energy, and money than they ever thought possible (on a trial that statistically, at least, is not going to occur).

We would be wise to concentrate on resolving our differences early on, and this is where mediation, collaborative law, and cooperative divorce law come in. These are anti-war settlement models that create a non-confrontational climate in which an early settlement may take place. They suppress the parties’ inclination to complete, and they make settlement a priority, just as the courthouse door does.

Competitors focus on winning and, quite simply, there are no winners in a divorce battle. Both parties lose. The legal system cannot give us more than we have when we enter it. No matter what we have when we enter the system, we leave with less. And this is before the lawyers get a dime.

There may be honor in war, but there are always innocent casualties as well. The best military strategists are the ones that use diplomacy rather than guns. The greatest battles in history are the ones never fought. Your divorce can be a bloody battlefield, or it can be a peace treaty negotiated by sensible diplomats.Those courtroom doors are the entrance to the battlefield, do you really want to walk through them?
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Grounds for Divorce In Illinois

June 15, 2011 By
CivilizedDivorcetv-youtube

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