Cooperative Divorce Law

Chicago and Oak Brook Divorce Attorneys - The Cooperative Approach

Cooperative divorce law has just arrived in Illinois. It is our newest anti-war settlement process. Cooperative divorce joins mediation and collaborative law as our third alternative to fighting it out in court.

The purpose of mediation, collaborative law, and cooperative divorce law is to guide divorcing parties through the dissolution process in a way that enables them to reach an out of court settlement.

All three methods aim to minimize the length, cost, and frustration that are commonly attributed to the divorce legal system. They have the same goal, but they go about it differently. This blog post will explain how each works and how they differ from one another.

Mediation is where a divorcing couple negotiates the terms of their divorce in the presence of a neutral and impartial third-person – a mediator. The mediator assists the parties by directing their conversations in a way that allows them to put their best foot forward.

Divorcing parties who seek an out of court settlement must persuade one another to accept settlement terms that the other party does not want to accept. This involves compromise; and compromise involves salesmanship.

In order to be persuasive, each party must be at his or her best. This is difficult because divorce is a time when both parties are emotionally overloaded and are likely to be at their worst.

The mediator acts like a control tower, and directs the parties’ conversations away from confrontation and toward open-mindedness and acceptance.

If the couple is able to reach a mutually acceptable marital settlement agreement in mediation, they are urged to hire their own lawyers to review the settlement terms. Typically, at least one of the parties engages the services of an attorney to shepherd the divorce through the legal system.

Collaborative Law and Cooperative Divorce Law operate along the same lines, but both parties have attorneys who are present during the actual settlement discussions. The attorneys commit to attempt to create and maintain an atmosphere of sensibility that will promote settlement.

Collaborative and cooperative divorce attorneys have mediation or comparable communication skills training, and employ similar peace-keeping techniques as are used in mediation. The vast majority of the work that the attorneys do is in the presence of the clients at settlement meetings.

The attorneys pledge to use their energies to help the parties achieve a sensible, out of court settlement, and they orchestrate the emotional flow and tone of the discussions accordingly.

If the parties are not able to reach a settlement, cooperative law attorneys may go on to represent their clients in the court system. Collaborative divorce lawyers, on the other hand, are barred from litigating on behalf of their clients. The clients must hire new attorneys to represent them in court.

Many divorce lawyers are mediators, cooperative divorce practitioners, and collaborative lawyers, but can only serve in one of these roles with any given client. The choice of which method to use is determined by the needs and circumstances of the divorcing couple.

Your Divorce Should Not Cost More than Your Wedding

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The following are Kulerski and Cornelisons blog posts from their Chicago Tribune - Chicago Now – “The Way We War” blog.

Do you know of anyone that has gone to trial in their divorce and has nice things to say about their experience? Most people who fight it out in court wish they hadn’t.

Many depict the divorce legal system as a process that:

  • is impersonal
  • does not listen to what is really important
  • allows for too many delays
  • does not try to understand and validate their needs
  • is disinterested in their spouse’s misconduct
  • shows no sympathy for the injustices their partner inflicted on them
  • allows their spouse to tell lie after lie without being punished
  • does not punish their soon-to-be ex for ruining the marriage
  • does not give the innocent spouse appropriate credit for their good works
  • is a bottomless money pit where the lawyers get richer and the clients get poorer.
The public is fed up and wants a change. It is not uncommon these days for people to spend more money on their divorces than they did for their weddings. The frustration is building to a point where one of two things must occur: either people stop getting divorced, or they find a way to get divorced civilly and without using litigation. The first is not going to happen; so the answer, if any, should lie in the second choice.It may take a generation or two, but the way we war in divorce must change for the better. Society is demanding a more efficient way to divorce. The number of divorces filed each year shows no indication of decreasing significantly, and it is not realistic to expect attorneys to start charging less.

Our choices are limited to one: we must figure out how to keep our divorces from becoming nasty.

Typically, over 90% of divorces reach a settlement before a trial begins. The problem is that most do not settle until after the parties have spent excessive amounts of money, time, and energy. So the goal should be to settle the divorce quickly and out of court.

An early and sensible settlement becomes possible when you and your spouse agree to accept a compromise settlement. While you may be willing to do so, the trick is in persuading your soon-to-be ex to meet you half way. The Way We War can shed some light on accomplishing this. Please stay tuned.

The Cooperative Approach

Chicago and Oak Brook Divorce Attorneys - The Cooperative Approach

You will never have any control over the fury and cost of your divorce if you cannot communicate properly with your spouse. Some suggestions for keeping your divorce cooperative are:

Try not to impose your values or biases on your spouse with emotion-laden statements such as, “A decent person wouldn’t do what you did.” Monitor your body language or facial expressions to avoid registering obvious disapproval of something your spouse says.

If you disagree strongly with your spouse’s offer, do not put them down for suggesting it. Validate their suggestion as a possibility, politely explain why you disagree, and then ask for their help in coming up with “something we both might like.”

If your spouse’s answer is “no,” keep in mind that a no is rarely final. Interpret their no as more of a starting point than as an ending point.

Always allow for a three-second delay before responding to something your partner says. This short delay indicates that you were listening to their words and that you took the time to let them sink in.

Be sure your spouse speaks more than you do. You can’t negotiate with anyone until you know what they’re thinking, and you can’t know what they are thinking if they do not have ample opportunity to speak.

Divorce Mediation – Is Like a Seeing-Eye Dog

Oak Brook Divorce Mediation - Is Like a Seeing-Eye Dog

Fighting is for courtrooms and mediation is for staying out of courtrooms.

As divorce lawyers in DuPage County, IL, we often receive telephone calls from prospective clients who begin the conversation by saying something like, “My wife and I have decided to divorce, and we want to use mediation. Our decision is mutual; we have a house and two kids, and we have agreed on everything.”

This situation does not call for mediation. Mediation is not for those who have already reached an agreement on the various items that present themselves in divorce – issues involving parenting, support, and property division.

Divorce mediation is for those that cannot resolve their issues without bumping heads and wish to use a mediator to get their point across to their soon-to-be ex in a way that will be listened to. It is for those that need help getting through to their partners.

The parties referred to in the phone call above do not need a mediator because they have resolved everything that needs to be resolved. They have already achieved the best that mediation has to offer – a settlement of their issues. All they really need is a lawyer that will walk them through the legal system and get their settlement approved and their divorce finalized. This is a relatively inexpensive process. Whereas, and what many people do not realize, is that the parties that use mediation should still have lawyers to review their settlement and to process it properly.

Mediation is assisted negotiation. It helps disputants put their best foot forward when they are trying to persuade their partner to agree to something that their partner does not want to agree to.

Divorce mediation is like a negotiation seeing-eye dog that guides you towards settlement and away from divorce court. It walks you safely through a minefield of sensitivity with many unseen detonators that can easily destroy your chances of ever reaching an out of court settlement.

Most of us are challenged when it comes discussing a divorce settlement with our soon-to-be exes. No one can press our buttons like our spouse can. If we want them to hear our side and to comprehend why our settlement position is what it is, we must open their ears and their thinking. Primarily, this involves not aggravating them, and this is what mediation makes possible.

Mediation makes it possible for us to say what we have to say without stirring up our partner. Why is not aggravating them so important? Because angry people do not settle, they fight. Fighting is for courtrooms and mediation is for staying out of courtrooms.

Get a Flat Fee Divorce – Part Two

Park Ridge and River Forest, Illinois in Cook County - Get a Flat Fee Divorce - Part Two

Part One of this post was published on September 14, 2011.

If we must converse or meet with your spouse, he or she will be asked to sign documentation attesting to our notification that we represent only you and not him or her, and that we cannot and did not give them any legal advice.

We also prepare all other papers that are necessary to start and complete the divorce itself.

We give you the entire settlement package to take home for your spouse’s approval and signature. We think it is a good idea for your spouse to hire their own lawyer, or at least have the papers approved by a lawyer of their choice.

When everything is signed and returned to us, we file the papers with the court and get your hearing date.

You must be present in court with us on the assigned day and we will present your testimony and signed papers to the court for entry. Your spouse’s presence is welcome, but is not mandatory because everything is pre-signed.

Typically, your divorce is finalized on the day we are in court.

Get a Flat Fee Divorce – Part One

Hinsdale and Wheaton, Illinois in DuPage County - Get a Flat Fee Divorce - Part One

Your divorce does not have to be expensive.

If you and your spouse believe you can work things out on your own, then our flat fee divorce allows you to contain the expense of processing your settlement through the legal system.

It works like this:

  • Either you or your spouse comes to our office and retains us. We can only represent one of you and this is the only person we deal with.
  • You tell us what the two of you have agreed upon and we put it in writing in a formal marital settlement agreement that will become a part of your final divorce papers.
  • If you have overlooked some items that should be included in your papers, we will give you a list to take home to discuss with your spouse.
  • For your sake, and to prevent the appearance of a conflict of interest, we prefer to not speak to or meet with your spouse. We cannot give him or her any advice and this is best accomplished by having no direct contact at all.

Part Two follows in tomorrow’s post.

Learn about our Set, Flat-Fee for Uncontested Divorce

Heidi Montag to Use Divorce Mediation

Heidi Montag to Use Divorce Mediation

TMZ reported Heidi Montag retained an attorney to begin divorce proceedings against her husband, Spencer Pratt.

The couple plans to begin divorce mediation sessions and they are shooting to get the entire divorce concluded in six months. TMZ did not mention if the couple had an ante nuptial or pre-nuptial agreement.

Divorce mediation is a non-court settlement oriented process that helps disputing parties resolve their differences sensibly and without unnecessary legal complications or expense.

Mediation helps the parties negotiate the settlement themselves.The mediator, a neutral and impartial third person, merely guides the parties’ one-on-one negotiations with one another. The mediator directs the flow of conversation in a manner that allows each spouse to present his or her concerns and settlement terms in the best possible light.

We all hope to avoid divorce court and mediation is intended to help us accomplish this. It creates a setting where settlement becomes possible. The mediator’s training enables him or her to pose questions to the parties in a manner that helps them to listen better and to express their thoughts in a constructive manner, instead of a destructive one.

Mediation works. It tames anger and stubbornness and helps disputants to get their point across without aggravating one another.

Keeping Your Divorce Cooperative

Oak Brook and Wheaton Illinois DuPage Divorce Law - Keeping Your Divorce Cooperative

Divorce settlements fail when our biased view of things allows us to see only our own “truth.” We focus so intently on the truth we are trying to explain, that we block ourselves from hearing what the other side has to say. Here’s the real truth: We will persuade our spouse to be cooperative by listening to what they need to say, not by saying what we think needs to be said.

All too often there is a tendency to become hard of hearing during divorce settlement talks. We think we know what our spouse is going to say, we know it supports their view, not ours, and we know they are wrong. We do so much of our “listening” only to give us ammo for a “Yes, but…” response or to find something to attack. We don’t give two hoots about what they think or why they think it and can’t stand listening to a view contrary to our own.

Our soon-to-be-ex does not care about what we feel or think. They only care about what they feel and think. But we don’t win arguments by talking, we do it by listening. No one ever changes their mind until they know they have been heard.

The Key to Keeping it Friendly

Illinois Cooperative Divorce Law - The Key to Keeping it Friendly

The key to using the friendly approach in divorce is to make your partner feel valued. If you do not attempt to do this, your problem will only worsen.

People find it difficult to quarrel with those that acknowledge their pain or concerns. Listen to your partner and try to show some degree of sympathy, empathy, or compassion for what they are feeling. Sympathy signifies a general kinship with another’s feelings. Empathy is the ability to imagine oneself in another’s shoes. Compassion implies a deep concern for another person’s troubles.

All three show respect for your spouse’s position, without invalidating your own and without actually validating theirs. If fact, you do not have to actually feel sympathy, empathy, or compassion. You merely have to sound like you do. This costs you nothing and could pay a huge dividend.

Displaying these feelings cannot always make things better, but a failure to do so will always make things worse. If nothing else, it is good business to make a sincere effort to sympathize (or at least feign sympathy) with your spouse’s plight.

If you treat your spouse with dignity, they may return the favor. Show your willingness to compromise, and they may reciprocate. Someone has to be nice first or you are both heading for trouble.

Illinois Divorce Courts Are Likely to Become Less Crowded

Cooperative Divorce Law Illinois Divorce Courts Are Likely to Become Less Crowded

The public is displeased with our divorce legal system. Its frustration is building to a point where one of two things is likely to occur: either people stop getting divorced or they find a way to get divorced without using litigation.

The first is not likely to happen, and the second is why it is time to try the cooperative approach.

Here’s why things must change:

  1. Society is demanding something different. The “I’m going to be my own attorney” sentiment (which is often quite risky) is becoming more and more widespread.
  2. Lawyers’ operating expenses and fees are not expected to decrease anytime soon – unless their landlords and employees cut their rates. (Fat chance.)
  3. The number of divorces filed each year shows no sign of declining significantly.
  4. People resent having to spend more on their divorce than they did on their wedding and have reached their breaking point.

This doesn’t leave us many options. We simply have to find a better way to divorce, and the friendly and cooperative method is the logical choice. While it doesn’t work for everyone, we really do not have any others to pick from.